


Traffic lights

by shaardom



Series: Pynch week 2017 [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pynch Week, Silly, Social Media, also complies with day 3 prompt 'am I awake', gansey is mentionned too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:57:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11689269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaardom/pseuds/shaardom
Summary: [Pynch week day 4 : social media. AU] Driving safely means without distraction. Which is not what Adam and Ronan were doing seconds before they were involved in a car accident.It's sort of funny because the still struggling Youtuber Adam Parrish had never thought he'd meet the Instagram model Ronan Lynch. It's odd because Ronan does not only leave Adam but also his jacket and his phone number in the hospital room.The most astounding fact here being that Adam did dare to text him. And Ronan replied.





	1. Wish upon a shooting star and it may nearly kill you

**Author's Note:**

> As I wrote, it turned out that this fic also followed the "am I dreaming / what are you doing here" prompts haha. Enjoy !

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small Youtuber Adam Parrish gets involved in a car accident with the handsome model Ronan Lynch. His car is fucked but apparently, he does not die.

Adam scrolled past Ronan's latest instagram post. He fed on the longing seeing these created in him, wishing Instagram had a zoom feature. Imagining what someone else would feel upon seeing this is easy.

_Want._

It's all it causes in him and it's hard to imagine that someone may have another reaction at the sight. The traffic light turns green. He shuts his phone and presses the gas pedal.

 

Ronan's personal account is private and he mercilessly blocks everyone who request access without being a part of his circle of family and friends. His posts often lack captions or any sense at all. Noah had labelled it under 'modern art' while it's utterly random. He added a snarky comment under Blue's latest picture of the progress she made on her hand drawn tarot set ( _"i see more yoghourt that progress tbh. also, tell gansey he forgot the his agenda at mine"_ ).

Then he switches to his public account, more or less managed by his appointed photographer — Noah Czerny — to have a quick look at the shots he decided good enough to post. Ronan feels strangely detached from this version of himself. He's not a full time model because the industry gives too much shit, and he takes none. Yet he remains a public figure, apparently able to influence young people.

He didn't see the light turning green. He didn't see the other car coming his way, less a car than an odd metallic, heterogenous structure thrown on wheels. He swore and swerved, too late. The crash was deafening.

He closed his eyes, less out of fear than to avoid the gore. He exited his car as soon as possible to check on the other driver and eventually his passengers. It was night time so obviously he didn't see much. Someone stumbled out of the driver's seat. The car had been crushed, as expected, but there seemed to be more hope for them.

Ronan knelt next to the other person, dialing the emergencies number.

"Can you hear me ?"

They spat blood and made a rude gesture. Ronan took it as a yes and mentally added that at least they still benefit from a proper coordination.

The boy coughed more and heavily cursed when Ronan he didn't let him stand.

"Where do you think you're going anyway ? Your car is fucked."

"My luck."

At least he stopped fighting to get on his feet. Ronan couldn't make sense of his injuries— he noticed a few cuts on his face but what caused him to cough blood remained hidden.

"What is your name ?"

"Adam Parrish."

Ronan then declined his identity without thinking to the person on the phone. The other sat up so fast—

"You—"

" _Lay down !_ " Ronan barked at him. "Do you want a head concussion so fucking badly ?"

Adam threw his hands towards the black sky and laid on his side again, nearly letting himself fall with a theatricality which Henry would envy.

"I would have prefered to be told when I'm dead."

Ronan raised a brow. Delirious much ? He may have underestimated how bad the injuries were. It would help if he saw them. Or not, since he's not qualified to help.

"Fox run road. Yeah but I think he banged his head." Pause. "Is raising his middle finger enough of an elaborate gesture ?" he scowled. "Thank you." He lowered the phone and Adam felt him anxiously staring. "You're _not_ dead, Parrish."

"You're real, then ?"

Ronan scoffed. He'd tell Adam to shut up but he's supposed to make him talk until proper help arrives.

"Yes." He extended his hand. "Go ahead, touch me."

Adam haltingly set his palm against Ronan's. Warmer than his but undeniably real. Ronan allowed no discussion before throwing his jacket to cover Adam's upper body. He was not good at making conversation. The next few minutes were made of him failing to explain to Adam that he didn't die— although he didn't deny the possibility that he may be dying.

"The fuck are they doing," he muttered.

"I like your pictures."

Adam thought he had blurted it out but it turns out that his voice was faint, even in the night's stillness.

"Noah is a great photographer," Ronan replied.

That explains his reaction from earlier. Ronan was always ready to stumble upon a supportive fan or an anti, but the setting is very peculiar. His phone buzzed and he was torn between minding it or worrying about Adam growing more quiet with time.

He took the call and switched the phone's loudspeaker on.

"Midget."

"Did Noah abduct you or something ? Not that we'd come for the rescue."

Adam heard the girl's voice. A weak laugh shook him. Ronan sighed.

"I had a car accident."

"We're totally coming for rescue."

"No, I'm fine. The other is worse so I'm just waiting for the emergencies."

"How did it happen ?"

"I don't know. Look, I'll call later, I have to make sure he's not falling asleep."

Adam had understood what was at stake and did his best, but he also wouldn't mind going right now.

"Where are you ?"

"Fox run road. I can handle this okay ?"

He didn't get their response. Ronan slid the phone in his pocket.

"I can call your parents," he suggested.

Adam winced more.

"No, please don't. I live alone."

Suddenly there were a lot of people around and a blinding neon white light and Adam decided that it was time to shut the world out.

 

_[2:56] Unknown to ronan lynch : you forgot your jacket_

_[7:04] ronan lynch to Unknown : so you think i'm the kind of person who has their own number in their pocket just in case ?_

_[10:42] adam to ronan lynch : not sure that you're a person to begin with_

_[10:43] ronan lynch to awful driver : then what am I, a raccoon ?_

_[10:43] adam to ronan lynch : I was going for figment of my imagination but a raccoon is a suitable option_

_[10:43] ronan lynch to awful driver : still thinking you're on the verge of dying ?_

_[10:44] adam to ronan lynch : i'm either dead or in a deep coma and no one can convince me of the opposite_

_[10:44] ronan lynch to awful driver : get back to sleep_

 

Adam shut his phone, feeling giddy. This couldn't be happening in his life, so he had to be dying. At least it was a pleasant dream. The morphine probably helped the giddy part but he was too far out to notice.

It felt like he had been sleeping for a week before he opened his eyes again. He had two surprises on his way out. The paperwork was done and the bills were paid. As he exited the hospital and felt the wind in his hair, he had to admit that he is alive and the attractive not-model gesturing at him to get in the car was real.

Which is a lot to handle at once.

 

_STORYTIME : Ronan Lynch and I were involved in a car accident_

"Um, this is weird." Adam paused to look at his picture on the small recording screen. "As you may have noticed, I'm not in my usual setting and the quality of the video is better. Don't get used to it."

He felt like he was talking to himself with that one. Oh well.

There was no time lost on _I can't believe what happened and is happening_ because it was plainly written on his face. He carried on with his story and at some point turned the camera off. There was already much to edit out.

"So, I guess I'm not supposed to say where am I right now. I won't. But it does feel like a dream and I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be one."

He'd still be disappointed. He promised to update soon, greeted the invisible crowd and turned the camera off. He didn't know how to take it down so he went downstairs to ask for help. Blue volunteered. She skillfully showed him how to dismantle the parts holding it together and he helped her carry everything to Noah's room.

"So, you all live here ?"

"Sort of. Gansey and Ronan have their own places but everyone is contributing."

Noah was busy filtering his last shots of Gansey.

"What is your alias ?"

"He tried to search for you but failed miserably," Blue pointed out. "Aside from the youtube channel."

She plopped herself on a cushion. Adam leaned against the doorframe.

"I'm only on twitter. It's— still quite personal."

"I see," Noah said. "Want me to set you up an instagram page ?"

"I'm not really—"

"Let him, he loves it," Blue said.

And so, he allowed Noah to create the page. Adam found it odd, how easily they let him in. How badly he wanted to let them in, but they weren't of the same world at all. Plus, they have just met and their paths will most likely never cross again.

He felt Ronan's presence a second before he spoke.

"Get down for lunch, losers."

"We're busy," Noah and Blue retorted.

"Doing what ?"

Adam glanced over his shoulder. Ronan is closer than what he thought at first. He looks the same than on the pictures he spent hours thinking of. The same feeling as the first time made his heart leap.

_Want._

It was worse because Ronan was so close and instead of wanting, Adam contemplates the utopia of possessing. Ronan's eyes met his, sending a jolt of physical need, shaking him from head to toe.

"I did not spend half the night convincing Parrish that he's not dead for you to starve him. Let's _go_."

He didn't wait for their answer and turned his back at them. Adam noticed the intricate patterns of a tattoo on his neck. He blinked and there was suddenly a crow resting on Ronan's shoulder.

"Fuck," he muttered.

Blue and Noah were expectantly looking at him and he wished he didn't understand why.

"He's head over heels for Ronan," Noah told her without even asking for a confirmation.

Blue scrunched up her nose.

"If that's love at first sight, ophthalmic consultations should be free."

"Says the one who is happily dating Gansey."

"Okay, guess love does make people blind."

"Do you think that he had noticed ?" Adam asked.

"No, but you made a good impression," Noah replied while standing up.

"How ?"

"You tell me. No one has ever made a good impression on Ronan."

He looked at Blue and Blue looked at him then they both turned to Adam and Adam defensively crossed his arms on his chest. The understanding on their features is so exaggerated that it nearly gets comical.

" _Blue._ "

" _Noah._ "

"We've come to the same conclusion."

Blue put on her most solemn expression.

"Ronan has a soft spot for him."

At this very moment, Ronan's shouted at them to get in the kitchen and added something about dragging their asses downstairs if needed.

Adam didn't know how to handle this without messing up. At some point, he fled Noah's room to drink some water and collect his thoughts. Would whether his crush reciprocated even matter ? He'll leave tonight and the house will probably vanish as he drives away.

Or walks, since his car had been utterly destroyed by the collision. This matter had probably been handled already. God, he hates it when people do so many things for him.

"Are you alright ?"

He hates it when Ronan does his thing and pops from nowhere. There is no time to put a mask over his fragile and complicated feelings. He's forced to lay them bare at Ronan's feet, like an offering.

"I don't know. Am I awake ?"

If so, then he's not alright. Because in a dream, at least, impossible things will keep happening. Ronan walks past him. Adam realizes a second later than he's supposed to follow. He places the glass in the sink and walks after Ronan. Despite being closer, he still can't decipher the tattoo. There are too many hidden patterns, cut short by the edge of his top. Then, Ronan turns to look at him. There seem to be a running joke around sleep but he doesn't quite get it.

"Do you feel like you're awake ?"

Adam leaned his back against the wall. He hurts. He aches, even. He longs. He is in pain, and that's mostly what being awake feels like.

Ronan is slow, one move at time to let Adam process what is happening and eventually let him step back. His elbows frame Adam's face. At first he didn't strike Ronan as pretty. But there is something striking about him, which catches the eye then leaves it confused about which beauty standards does Adam Parrish submits to. Ronan feels saddened by Adam's resolute nod. He feels the tension radiating from Adam's bones, with such strength that he wonders how did his skeleton not snap under the pressure.

Ronan's hands found Adam's and he felt him coming undone as their fingers tangled. The knots holding him together unwinded. By the time they kissed, there was nothing left. Adam shuddered, then haltingly parted his lips. Ronan leaned in more. Adam hid his face in the crook of his neck, shaking. Ronan released his hands to start holding him. He stroked Adam's hair and Adam crossed his hands on his back, under his top.

"I'm awake," Adam whispered against his neck.

Ronan carefully lifted Adam's chin. He wiped the tears off Adam's cheek with the back of his hand and kissed him more. Adam's lips are sweet, despite being chapped. It's as though his bitterness is unreachable, locked within himself. The more they touch, the more they want. Ronan doesn't dare to touch him yet in case he has overstepped. Adam's touch is rough and demanding. When he kisses Ronan's neck, there's nothing logical anymore.

"I swear to God, stop crying."

Adam huffed. He's trying to, but the tears just won't stop. Ronan feels helpless. He had no way of knowing how strong the current is before diving. Yet he doesn't want to get away — God forbid. If drowning is the only way, then so be it.

"May I see your eyes ?" he asks softly.

Adam shudders as a sob breaks in his chest but he does look up. Ronan's hands found Adam's again. He tells him to breathe. In and out.

"You are alive and awake. We've kissed." Ronan paused. "And don't you dare to think this was meaningless."

Adam nodded. What does it mean, though ? People don't usually kiss the first day. He didn't realize the emotional weight he had given Ronan— without even knowing him, without thinking that they'd meet someday.

 

_[17:03] unknown to magician : your storytime is going viral m8_

_[17:05] adam to ??? : um sorry i'm not sure who you are_

_[17:05] unknown to magician : rude_

_[17:05] adam to ??? : yes you are rude for not introducing yourself now who is this... ?_

_[17:06] unknown to magician : iT'S NOAH !!_

_[17:06] adam to instagram fan #1 : oh shit sorry._

_how did you get my number though_

_[17:07] noah to magician : if you're going to date him then you should know that Ronan's phone is pretty much everyone else's_

_he doesn't use it often..._

_[17:07] adam to instagram fan #1 : i'll keep it in mind_

_[17:07] noah to magician : ARE YOU NOT DENYING THAT YOU'LL DATE ???_

_[17:07] adam to instagram fan #1 : so_

_please don't spam my phone it doesn't have enough free storage to handle it_

_but we may be dating already_

_[17:08] noah to magician : NO WAAAAY_

_bby m proud of you_

_[17:08] adam to instagram fan #1 : this is awkward stop_

_[17:08] noah to magician : i'm telling blue and we're coming to congratulate you_

_[17:08] adam to instagram fan #1 : no don't_

_at least leave us a day_

_[17:09] noah to magician : okay but the more i'll wait the more embarrassing i'll make it_

_[17:11] adam to instagram fan #1 : deal_

 

"I thought it wasn't needed to mention that you're staying here tonight."

"Why is that ?"

"You said you're living alone," Ronan reminded him. "So, I'm not leaving you on your own, only a day after you were allowed out of the hospital."

Adam quietly placed his empty glass on the small table. Ronan felt like he fed on water, as he didn't see him eating or anything since lunch. Which is also a matter of great concern.

"I assume it didn't occur to you that I've been allowed out because my state was good enough ?"

"You've had some sort of panic attack only hours ago," Ronan pointed out.

"It shouldn't happen again."

They both stand their ground for a second, blue against blue, rain from the same storm. Then it was over, as suddenly as it had begun.

"Tell me when you're ready to leave."

The wording choice hit Adam a moment later. Ronan is already walking away.

"You—" He laughed, still hardly believing that Ronan's wits beat his. "I'll never be ready."

Ronan laughed triumphantly at his stubbornness. Adam sensed his relief under the mockery. It had been all or nothing, after all, Adam could have carried on with his decision. He couldn't escape the dinner. It wasn't Noah, but Blue who end up coercing Ronan into giving her more details and he had to admit that they have kissed. They may be doing things completely backwards, but they are dating.

"Gansey is going to be so mad about missing this," Noah said, clapping his hands. 

 

_[23:20] gansey to ronan lynch : i've been told that you had a car accident and that you are now dating and that both facts are somehow related ??_

_[23:21] missed call from gansey_

_[23:33] gansey to ronan lynch : give. me. details._

_[00:19] gansey to ronan lynch : ronan don't you even try to ignore my texts I know you're awake_

 

"Think your phone can handle the notifications ?"

"I'm not sure."

Adam scrunched up his nose, giving the device a close look. Ronan casually tossed him his.

"Nevermind, use mine."

 

[Instagram]  
Username : @adamparrish  
Password : ********

 

"Oh god."

Adam let the notifications load. There were only about new followers since there was no post to comment yet, and Noah had the wise idea of deactivating his inbox. He followed Noah and the others back then handed the phone to Ronan.

"I think someone had been trying to talk to you for hours."

"Gansey," Ronan guessed. "I'll call him later."

 

_Decode : Youtuber Adam Parrish's channel (adamparrish) grows exponentially ! New internets talent on the rise : an analysis of the trends._

_Blue sargent (feminismisntslur) published a new video ! Sargent's tales : I've lived long enough to see Ronan date_

_Noah Czerny tweeted : Full photoshoot here ! port.folio/aTowXqd26_

_@ravencircle replied : it's awesome !_

_@dodlows replied : why is the lightning kind of the same in every picture ? makes it kinda dull for me..._

_\---_

__

_[01:34] ronan lynch to awful driver : sleep, we'll need the couch tomorrow morning_

_[01:34] adam to ronan lynch : what if I don't wake up ?_

_[01:34] ronan lynch to awful driver : god you're annoying_

_[01:35] adam to ronan lynch : i'm being realistic_

_to give you an idea, my life is terrible and this car accident was just the next disaster_

_[01:36] ronan lynch to awful driver : okay but this is our house and not the waiting hall for afterlife_

_[01:37] adam to ronan lynch : that's what you'd say if it were_

_[01:37] ronan lynch to awful driver : i fucking knew it was a bad idea to let you sleep downstairs_

_alone_

_you're being delirious again_

_[01:38] adam to ronan lynch : it was a great idea because if either of you had insisted on taking the couch I would have lost it_

_[01:38] ronan lynch to awful driver : what's your issue with kind people ? 'cause I'd like to know if I have to be an asshole for us to work out_

_[01:38] adam to ronan lynch : idk it's too late for introspection_

_just do your thing it seems to work just fine_

_[01:39] ronan lynch to awful driver : I'm coming downstairs and I'm not leaving until you are in Morpheus' arms._

\--- 

Adam shut his phone, aware that Ronan will act upon his words. For once, he heard him coming. Ronan sat and let Adam lay on his lap. 

"If you say something about dying I'll punch you so hard," Ronan warned. 

"How do you know the difference between vigil and sleep so well ?" 

Ronan laughed quietly to a joke he was alone to understand. 

"I'll tell you tomorrow, after you have told me more about your terrible life." 

It sound like two promises. First, that Adam will wake up. Second, that he'll be there when it happens. Trust being one of the main components of a relationship— no matter how young, Adam said that it sound like a plan, and closed his eyes. 


	2. The world stops spinning once you need him instead of pain to feel alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan brings Adam to the gang's place. Adam becomes a part of the gang and apparently, he's still alive.
> 
> Oh and secrets from either of them may or may not start to get in the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back by popular demand : wish it were me. /lmao
> 
> Things are not getting complicated, the tone of this fanfic is set up to be light and I'd rather keep it that way. There are secrets to be revealed though, but that's not happening right now ! There will be more 'social media' stuff in the third chapter. Enjoy !

Needless to say, Adam did wake up. Ronan had fallen asleep with Adam's head on his lap. He hadn't dared to move since then.

"Hey."

A moment of confusion later, Adam raised his hand and waved. Ronan caught it and gave it a close look, intrigued by the veins' pattern under his skin. Adam's hands were bony, which did not make them less attractive.

"Workman ?" Ronan offered.

"Mechanics."

Among other things. Ronan released him, adding more pieces to the puzzle of what he knew about Adam.

"Are you alright ?"

Adam nodded.

"You ?"

"Great."

Not one for many words. Adam wondered how can he offer this answer after spending the night on a couch. He doesn't seem to be lying, though. They spend another moment thinking, for Ronan and organizing his thoughts, in Adam's case. Then Ronan offers his hand again.

"I'll show you the bathroom."

Adam sat up and forbade himself to think before taking Ronan's hand. Before leaving, Ronan mockingly told him to text someone if he gets lost. Adam retorted that he didn't prove to be helpful in this department yet then closed the door on Ronan's scoff.

They have been very kind and left some basic supplies for him to use. The furniture was modern, obviously expensive. A solid twenty minutes later, Adam was done and wearing the same outfit as yesterday, which didn't matter yet because everything was clean, but he needed to get to his apartment soon.

He brought it up in the conversation. Ronan let Noah handle it, as he had apparently decided to hold Adam's place accountable for the car crash. Of course, Noah agreed that he went and even offered to drop him.

Such displays of common sense made Ronan think that most people didn't get what common sense is.

You _don't_ let someone go when you don't know if and when they'll be back.

The breakfast was a mess of bread, various flavors of jam and cereals and people talking— sometimes shouting at each other. As most of their talks relied on running businesses and jokes, Adam didn't understand much. But it felt nice. He ate without worrying about being judged, except for Blue's silent judgement of people who drank coffee, which means everyone but her. Ronan and her took care of the dishes at the end.

"Thanks ! We're going !" Noah shouted to the back of the kitchen.

Blue's answer was swallowed by Ronan's, loud and annoyed.

"Not yet !"

Then he carried on rambling, or so Adam thought until Noah pointed out they were curses. They waited until their friends were done and Blue fled to the recording/editing room. Noah went ahead, telling Adam that he'll wait outside. That left the new couple alone. For a moment, they both remained quiet. Parting felt weird, even just for a few hours.

"Be careful," Ronan end up saying.

"I won't be driving before a while."

His attempt to lighten the mood was noticed, despite failing horribly. Ronan slowly lifted Adam's chin. The pride seemed to defy him. Tame me if you can.

"I worry more about your anxiousness."

Adam made a vaguely dismissing gesture. That's nothing he can't handle alone. Ronan released him. Adam kissed him, and Ronan preferred it that way. Because of the emotional power he obviously had over Adam, being certain of his consent is harder. He pulled Adam against him, holding his waist. Adam started, he had to end it. He did so without wanting to. Adam caught the fleeting feeling in his gaze before it had vanished again.

"If I start feeling bad, I'll call. How does this sound to you ?"

Ronan nodded.

"Not too bad, if you stick to your word."

Adam stepped back, leaving Ronan's embrace behind. Ronan's raven came from nowhere, soundlessly landing on his shoulder, the tattooed claws mixed with the real ones.

"Another long story ?" Adam asked.

Ronan stuffed his hands in his pocket, still staring with a strange intensity.

"It's the same story, actually."

"Can't wait to hear it." He took another small step back, dragging their goodbyes to the last extent. "Noah is waiting for me."

"I'll be waiting, too."

He senses it behind the barriers Ronan had built between him and the world. He's also afraid that they won't meet again, although maybe not for the same reason. Before Adam can come up with something reassuring, he was resolutely walking towards the main door. Adam was slow with some things, but he knew when things were about to break. In four steps he had caught Ronan's shirt and stopped him in his tracks. Ronan turned to look at him, vaguely annoyed.

"After a car crash, you spent half the night helping a poor lad without knowing much more than his name. I'm not counting the fact that you stayed because you had to." Adam paused. "But you didn't have to keep me awake. You didn't have to _care_ what happened after the medics and the police got there." He paused again to suppress a nervous laugh. "Give up on the though act because I'm not buying it."

Ronan laughed and upon hearing him, Adam realized how strong is the storm that he had released. Ronan walked him to the entrance. He pressed his lips against Adam's jaw once more before stepping back.

"Call. Whether you feel bad."

 

Every interaction with Ronan left him giddy. The feeling got proportionally more intense. God, he'll miss this odd household.

"Sorry that I kept you waiting," he told Noah after giving his address.

"It's fine. You weren't that long."

They talked about mundane things on the way. Noah dropped him in front of the church without commenting on the location, then left. Adam breathed deeply a few times, then hurried upstairs to get ready for work.

The maelstrom of his life quickly drained the best out of him. He tried to film a few things but it didn't feel right. That greatly flustered him. He worked harder. The promise he made to call is tricky. Feeling bad is a constant state of mind, sort of. He's working and studying to get better.

 

_[01:11] noah to magician : hey m8_

_are you avoiding us or something ?_

_[05:39] adam to instagram fan #1 : no, god_

_i've started working again and all of this is a lot to handle, sorry._

_[09:18] noah to magician : no worries. Just visit when you can, okay ? we're dying to see you again. (some a bit faster than the others ;) )_

 

Adam decides it's time to stop avoiding Ronan for no reason almost a full week after leaving. He called because instead of feeling bad, he felt blue. Tears had welled up in his eyes and he had swallowed them— but they haven't been pushed far enough.

"Long time. Thought you were dead in a ditch."

Adam smiled, relieved that Ronan took the call. For all he knows, that may as well be the case, which he pointed out. Ronan can't get mad at him for being back on this topic. He called it. His voice is clear. He managed to sound like they've been talking every day, that he hadn't been waiting for this since Adam had left his sight. 

"What happened ?"

"I've caught up with life, probably."

"Sounds nice." Not the way he said it, though. "Think you'll be back around at some point ?"

He still sound so smug and casual. It's not a requirement but Adam would like to scratch under the surface, at least a bit. He thought they were not the type to pretend not to care. Or at least, hope they were skipping that state of the relationship as well.

"Not sure." Adam bit the inside of his cheek, both fighting his hilarity and in retaliation for toying with Ronan's feelings. "I'd consider it if you had left an address."

"Asshole."

He heard Ronan's relieved sigh. That and the curse were exactly how he remembered Ronan. Genuine. This small proof that he cared made him happy beyond words.

"That was too tempting."

"Let me send it."

"Yours ?"

"The other one. I'm not at mine often, at the moment."

A few beeps later, he received the text. Ronan confessed that he had been supposed to send it the day they parted, but that despising phones almost as much as liars, he had set the device aside and forgotten about it. Adam found himself growing hard at the sound of Ronan's voice. He had to end this call before taking care of that. He managed for a few minutes before being able to set it aside, after promising to visit soon.

He was trembling with anticipation while undressing, getting fully naked while embracing the want setting his nerves on fire. He closed his eyes and let scenes play behind his eyelids, with various levels on dirtiness. He thought of Ronan, imagined his hands running on his body instead of his own. His scars were not to be hidden, in this fantasy. His thoughts kept revolving around touching and being touched. He thought of taking Ronan. Kneeling between his legs, holding his waist. Ronan is like a song he likes yet forgets the melody as soon as it stops playing. He is unable to hum the tune, yet it's his favorite. The guilty pleasure left him shaking. He quickly cleaned himself then pulled the sheets to his chin, feeling embarrassed by his physical desires. That night, he dreamt, which had stopped happening at some point in his life. Three words were still clinging to him as he woke.

 _Unguibus et rostro._ The morning was harder than usual.

 

"Is he visiting soon ?" Blue asked.

"He said so."

"Thank God, it's a matter of time before Gansey shows up at his door."

The thought is funnier to Ronan because it is plausible. He may have a long story of moving before thinking, but he prefers that to Gansey's well-planned yet still harmful words or actions.

"That would be awesome."

Blue punched his arm. He elbowed her back. Of course, she was right. He should be more concerned about Gansey causing his boyfriend to have his greatest panic attack. But as Gansey isn't supposed to know his address, Ronan isn't worried.

 

Adam showed up the next day. It was Gansey who opened the door, because Ronan didn't bother moving and the other two were upstairs. He had expected the visit, although not that soon, and managed to look pleasantly surprised. The color of his shirt made the red of Adam's look bland in comparison.

"Ronan ?" Gansey called.

Ronan turned his head to look at them. He gestured at Adam to come closer. Adam obeyed despite rolling his eyes, too eager to be near him again to tease. He sat and Ronan laid his head on his lap. Ronan has to be that person who doesn't know how to sit on a sofa.

"How was catching up with life ?"

"Tiring."

Ronan traced abstract figures on the back of his hand, obviously trying not to forget about Gansey's presence. Adam couldn't obliterate him. He had an aura that was not easily blocked. He was stunning, more prince than whatever his function is. And his manners are fascinating, both old-fashioned and spot on. Adam's inferiority complex needed that to keep existing.

"How was your week ?"

Ronan carefully picked his words, still careful about his secrets. Adam bit back his questions. It had only been a week. He can't expect to be told everything already.

"Come here."

Adam leaned forward. Ronan's words sound more like a question than an order. His voice had been warm, as though he knew better than simply ordering him around.

"Relax, I'm not going to eat you."

He spoke low enough for only Adam to hear, despite Gansey doing a good job at pretending that they were not here. Ronan touched Adam's hair then looked at the tip of his fingers.

"What ?" Adam asked.

Ronan looked at him again.

"Your hair looked dusty."

"As usual."

Adam indulged him with a smile, somehow deeply satisfied by his ownership of something Ronan Lynch found intriguing. He unwillingly glanced at Gansey, then tore himself from the boy's magnetic attraction. His focused scribblings were suddenly louder. Ask about it, they said. I won't, Adam firmly thought. He spoke to Ronan instead.

"There's— something I've been thinking about. During the week."

Ronan sat up and offered that they went upstairs. He took Adam's hand and Adam let him. It felt natural. Ronan added a word for Gansey, which Adam supported with an apologetic smile. Gansey assured that it was fine then returned to his study.

"What is it ?"

Adam still had to understand Ronan's lack of skills with preambles. He classified it as boldness, without understanding the roots of this behavior.

"How am I supposed to learn things about you ?"

Adam hadn't noticed how tense Ronan was until relief had lifted the weight on his shoulders.

"You watch."

"I've been watching you for a big part of my teenage years and I still know nothing."

Which is partly false. He knew that Ronan was gay. That he wore a lot of black and had two brothers. Since his first visit, he had learned that Ronan swears a lot and is sort of allergic to phones and social medias. That he has somehow domesticated a raven. And so, Adam's inner voice wouldn't shut it until he had corrected his sentence.

"I mean— I do know a few things about you. But it doesn't feel enough compared to what you know about me."

Ronan pursed his lips, taking the new wording in count.

"I do not know much more about you, Parrish. Most of the time, I'm guessing. And it turns out that luck is on my side."

"But we won't keep going like this, will we ?"

It will be a disaster if either of them makes false assumptions. Ronan shook his head. He wants this to work.

"We should state our guesses. Then, we'll be able to properly confirm or correct them."

"Sounds good," Adam nodded.

Such a precise and relevant idea coming from Ronan is surprising. Adam had noticed the shadows in Ronan's eyes before he had corrected himself, then the thoughtful shape of his features after he had. And he did not know what to think of it. Ronan kissed Adam's cheek in this reverent manner he used when touching him. Like he's fragile, and more importantly, worth being careful around.

 

Meanwhile, Blue, Noah and Gansey held some sort of meeting in the editing room. Gansey didn't doubt Ronan's ability to handle a relationship— but this isn't any relationship and they are not any young men. And women.

"Adam is fine. I mean, there are worse people to nearly kill at night," Noah said.

Blue sighed. He didn't made much sense. Ronan does what he wants. As much as she loved their strong bond, she sometimes found it invasive.

"Well, I hoped he'd stumble upon someone more—"

He didn't finish his sentence, aware of Blue's eyes firing bullets at him. If he had been allowed to end it, he'd have chosen the adjective 'stable'. Because from what he had seen and heard, Adam has many things to deal with on his own. Ronan has his own way to show support and concern, which relies a lot on being aggressive. Gansey feels like none of them will be able to handle each other.

"More what ?" Blue finally asked. "We're all weird here. If we weren't dating, I'd say that you are jealous."

Gansey mechanically started protesting, part of him contemplating Blue's bluntness— this trait of character sometimes made him wonder if she isn't a long lost relative of Ronan. Blue apologized then took her phone of her pocket as it started buzzing.

 

_[11:00] ronan to maggot : at least wait until we're here to talk shit_

_seriously I can sense it_

_it's annoying_

_[11:02] blue to the dreamer : thought you weren't supposed to text when making out_

_and maybe we're not talking abt you 'cause you're not the center of the world_

_[11:02] ronan to maggot : i'm texting first. And coming to kick your asses once we're done_

_so are you telling me that gansey is giving editing advice ?_

_[11:04] blue to the dreamer : tell adam to kiss you quiet for me._

_[11:04] ronan to maggot : in what world does that make sense ?_

_[11:04] blue to the dreamer : whatever, if you don't i'll come tell him myself lmao (and you know I will)_

_[11:05] ronan to maggot : fucking don't_

 

Ronan carelessly dropped his phone on the nearest table. Adam had gone to the bathroom and he was tempted to break in the editing room. Hopefully, Adam was back shortly after.

"Is everything alright ? I heard some noise."

"It's fine." Ronan scratched his neck. "Look— there are many things I want to tell you. And another bunch you need to know but I can't, not yet."

Ronan being genuine never failed to move Adam. He inhaled deeply.

"I understand." Thanks ? What is he supposed to say next ? He starts speaking without thinking it through. "Take your time."

And it goes surprisingly well. Ronan is relieved that Adam didn't take it as a blame or anything. He offered his hand and Adam took it.

 

"No, Jane, dear lord. All I'm saying is that they've grown onto each other quite fast."

"We literally fell in love at first sight and God knows that none of us is as impulsive as Ronan."

"She has a point," Noah said.

"I had _a year_ to live."

"And Ronan could die every time he falls asleep because—"

At this point, Ronan opened the door. He didn't want Adam to know, not today. The tension in the room made the air heavier, literally. Noah's side remained surprisingly light.

"What part of _wait until we're here to talk shit_ didn't you understand ?"

Blue raised her hands, as to surrender.

"It's all on me. I forgot to mention it to them."

"Gansey, do you have anything to add ?"

Gansey pursed his lips. Adam know that he wouldn't say anything because he is too polite, but he felt him simmer.

"You certainly know him better than I do, yet I'll dare to advise you to be careful." Gansey spoke slowly, looking straight in Ronan's eyes. "There are things you can only dream of repairing."

Ronan imperceptibly bowed his head to acknowledge Gansey's words. Adam felt that they used some kind of code to carry the message— it is a warning, yes, but Gansey had been referring to something precise. His manners softened as he focused on Adam, despite still looking at Ronan.

"To Adam, if you'll allow me—" Ronan didn't move, aware that Gansey isn't waiting for an authorization and that Adam will' hate him if he had given one. "The night is full of surprises. There are things you can't forget, can't unsee. Wonderful things, indeed." Gansey paused. "Sometimes fearful too. I hope you won't ever look back at them with regret."

Adam found a hint of wistfulness in his smile as he then greeted them before leaving the room. He felt dizzy, not in the same way he felt after being injected morphine or interacting with Ronan. This was more what he'd feel after reading a long, complicated book. Blue rolled her eyes at the door.

"I feel like I should apologize, at least to Adam, on Gansey's behalf."

"I'm sorry that we were eavesdropping. Did he— have a terminal illness ?"

"Sort of," Noah answered, saving Ronan and Blue another lie. "Don't worry. Gansey just doesn't want his friends to get hurt. Or— to hurt others."

Adam wanted to ask about the reason Ronan may die. At this point, Ronan's raven hurtled in the room, smoothly landing on his bare shoulder. She cawed in Ronan's ear and he laughed. Blue shook her head and returned to her desktop screen. Noah laughed, too. Adam tried to engrave this moment in his mind. If Ronan didn't want to tell him something, Adam owed him not to look. Gansey's voice still rang in his ears. They have rushed things enough. He's in good company, which makes the wait bearable.

While he was away, they have managed to clear up a room from him. He blessed whoever managed to keep it simple. No one lead him there. Blue gave clear directions and they left him to discover it alone. He went to the window and opened it. Virginia's forests stretched to the horizon. He had seen these trees many times and wished he had been away from them even more often. From here, they looked different, or rather, felt different. Naming it a forest sound like reducing whatever it is to what it looked like.

He stood there for a while, lost in his thoughts, until someone knocked at the door. Even then, he didn't hear them. Finally, the door clicked and he snapped back to reality.

"Adam ?"

"Come in."

Noah joined him at the window. He also gazed outside, for a short moment.

"Thought you could join us. We're in the kitchen— lunch gathering."

"Of course," Adam said, hoping he can be helpful in some way.

He followed Noah downstairs. The kitchen was slowly turning into a mess which Ronan and Blue ruled— while bickering about her drinking from his bottle.

"Does your mother even know that you're drinking ?"

"She wouldn't forbid it," Blue shrugged.

He didn't get Ronan's answer. Was it even English ? The empty bottle ended under the sink.

"Isn't it a bit early to be drinking ?" Gansey pointed out with a raised brow.

"Isn't it, _Sargent ?_ " Ronan repeated.

"Oh, I don't know _Lynch_. Just know that I won't weep if you cut yourself while dicing the carrots."

Ronan huffed. Adam crossed his arms on his chest and quietly leaned against the doorframe. Their group dynamic is doing so well the way it is.

"Let's make the table," Noah told him. "Here."

Adam pulled the plates from the cupboard. Despite looking frail, Noah could have done it but Adam really wanted to get busy. They got away from the kitchen's agitation and worked in silence for a bit. Adam rolled his sleeves because they kept getting in the way. He only remembered why did he keep them down up to this point after noticing Noah's shocked stare.

His arms were covered with old bruises, mostly cigarette burns. The skin had only started to regain a proper color despite him leaving the parental house months ago, as the mistreatments had started to jeopardize his grades. Many areas were still a few shades darker than they should be. It was too late to pull down his sleeves now. He swallowed nervously and locked eyes with Noah. The voices in the kitchen kept rising then shrinking to a background noise, like waves ebbing from the shore. Noah read the words on his lips, sighed and nodded. Adam pulled his sleeves.

_Don't tell anyone._

_Please._


	3. Keep rocking my world until it falls apart, to reveal the simple truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some secrets are revealed, though soon replaced by other, greater ones.
> 
> Apparently, Adam is not dead or dying _and_ he and Ronan are dating. This is only getting better.

Adam was terrified. He felt good for a second and forgot his past. Look what happened. Now, Noah knew and this secret is too big to be kept by more than one person. Yes, they've been nurturing him but he could roll with it because of the circumstances. He was involved in a bad car accident. But if they knew about that, they'd start pitying him.

His scars, made real by Noah's knowledge of them, forced him back to reality. He is alive. It's stupid because he had never forgotten about them— he still saw them every morning, but they became a part of the background.

"I won't tell anyone. Let alone Ronan."

He almost missed Noah's benevolent promise, his thoughts getting increasingly louder. He set the towel aside, controlling his breath. Everyone here is meant to know, if he is supposed to stay, that is. Maybe not at the same moment, but they should know.

"I don't want to bring that up yet." Adam shuddered. "It'll be a lot and maybe—"

Maybe he does not want to deal with that. Noah shrugged helplessly. It is a lot indeed. Adam should be able to tell when the moment is just right, when they're comfortable enough with each other yet before the secret becomes another type of lie.

"Ronan is though, maybe not as much as he acts but he's serious about you. Don't forget that."

"I won't. Thank you, Noah."

His secret is safe. They finished setting the table then Noah gave him thirty seconds of mental preparation before returning to the kitchen. Things were being done and the beginning of lunch appeared. Adam still couldn't figure out how Blue and Ronan's team dynamic got things done. Maybe it was just Gansey who cooked. He listened to them for another minute before realising that their conversation was made entirely of Lilo and Stitch quotes.

"We'll be late," Noah had said.

"Because we ran out of peanut butter !" Blue had replied. "And I can't feed him tuna. Tuna ! So I had to run to the store..."

People are full of surprises, Adam thought. They were done cooking shortly after, then everyone moved back around the table. Tye conversation was cluttered by food and drinks request, as usual. All plates and glasses were filled. Ronan went to fetch Opal and she sat at his left side.

"Ronan, I'll need you this afternoon," Noah announced. "And I'd like to work a bit with Matthew tomorrow."

"He's in Washington," Ronan said. "And what do you want him to do ?"

"Pose, obviously. He and Declan are taking a flight tonight, you should have received a text about that."

"Kavinsky had been spamming me for days, I probably missed it."

"Just block his number, god," Blue said.

"Who is he ?" Adam asked.

He knew that Declan was Ronan's brother and assumed that Matthew was the second one, despite Ronan being very secretive about him online. He remained clueless about Kavinsky, though.

"A thief," Ronan enigmatically answered.

"A murderer," Blue supplied, scrunching up her nose.

"Not worth the attention," Gansey said, hopefully as a conclusion.

Noah agreed.

"Adam, can you come too ? It'll be lovely to shoot both of you. Of course, it's too early but you can already get more comfortable with the process and when it's time, then..."

Adam nodded without quite listening. If Ronan agreed to have him around, he'd be delighted. Even though he didn't know what Noah expected of him— that was a terrifying prospect.

Gansey and Blue volunteered to do the dishes, so the remaining three cleaned the table. Noah headed for the studio and expected them to meet him in no more than two hours. Adam sat on the couch once they were done cleaning. After a moment of hesitation, Ronan followed him. Adam indulged him with a timid smile and extended his hand. Ronan took it.

"I'm not fit for being in front of the camera," Adam blurted out.

Especially not next to his favorite model— their relationship didn't change that. Way to develop more body issues. Ronan traced circles on the back of Adam's hand with his thumb, attempting to reassure him.

"Who is ?"

"You," Adam opposed. "You are."

Ronan shook his head.

"Look closer and say it again."

Adam slightly leaned forward. He knew the angles of Ronan's features before being this close. He knew the shade of his eyes and many other details that another person would have preferred to keep to themselves and their loved ones. Ronan knew, and Adam knew that he did. Instead of speaking, he lifted their hands and pressed the back of Ronan's against his lips. It was one of these moments which felt so dreamy that he didn't know whether they were real or happening in his head.

 

[14:07] glitter boy to ronan lynch : have you left already ?

[14:07] glitter boy to ronan lynch : i know it's still an hour to the deadline but i also know you're very likely to be late

 

[14:09] noah czerny to partner in crime : hey darling

[14:11] blue sargent to bf(f) : what's up, love ?

[14:11] noah czerny to partner in crime : i really need ronan (+ adam maybe) in the studio at 3pm and ronan isn't replying to texts

[14:11] blue sargent to bf(f) : does he ever tho'

but okay I'm volunteering to kick his ass (+ adam's maybe) if it's still around

[14:12] noah czerny to partner in crime : thanks! kiss gansey for me

 

[14:18] ronan lynch to glitter boy : you're a prick

[14:18] glitter boy to ronan lynch : is adam coming ?

 

Blue had kissed Gansey first, then she went downstairs to wake up the two lovebirds. Ronan wasn't as mad as she expected him to be. In fact, he seemed thankful and they hurried in the car. He hated disappointing his friends and showing up late to a professional meeting is a good way to get there. At some point, Ronan said something and he missed it, both because he was lost in his thoughts and that his left ear is deaf.

Noah was still adjusting lights when they entered the studio. He came to greet them and straight-up sent Ronan to the makeup artists. It was more about details, such as bringing back the sharpness of his looks, than changing the overall shape of his features. He needed to know Adam more before being able to take proper picture of him.

"For how long did you know Ronan before the accident ?"

Adam was slightly taken aback by the sudden question. He felt embarrassed to talk about his one-sided feelings, everything that was related to Ronan before that fateful night. He felt like a stalker, although everything he knew was knowingly displayed to the public attention.

"A few years."

He wasn't certain exactly how much. He may have known about him for a greater amount of time without getting involved. Noah didn't seem disgusted or anything, which made him feel a tad bit better.

"Did you try to interact a lot ?"

Adam shook his head. He just followed the public accounts and liked pictures.

"I knew that I didn't have a chance," he said. "But he was— still nice to look at."

Noah's laugh made him feel lighter. It lifted a weight off his chest.

"He indeed is."

Adam shrugged, a smile ghosting on his lips. Work called. Noah showed him where to sit while the assistants placed the decor around Ronan.

"We're working on your portfolio today," Noah told Ronan. "Figured we could try something artsy, since you have many serious shots already."

 

@adamparrish tweeted a picture! [side shot of Ronan holding a heavily ornamented frame against his chest with some elements of decor between him and the green background.]

@adamparrish : not sure what's happening but it looks good...

@sargenttales & @ganseythethird retweeted

 

Adam stole a few pictures like that but didn't post more not to spoil Noah's work any further. At the end, Noah told him to join Ronan behind the camera and started to explain a few basics of being photographed.

"It feels weird sometimes," Noah said. "For close-ups, the camera can get really close to your face and you have to keep pretending that it's not there."

He then showed Adam a few pictures of that kind they have taken this afternoon. Ronan really did it well. He said that you get used to it after a while. A truth that probably only applies to his case.

"Ah, stop !"

Noah hid his face too late, laughing. Ronan stopped taunting him with the camera and put it down.

 

"What's the matter ?"

Adam snapped out of his thoughts. He mechanically tugged on his sleeves, as if Ronan's inquisitive eyes were enough to pull them up. He looked out the window instead of staring in the driver's rear. His sixth sense warned him not to lie, again. He sighed quietly. Noah was surprisingly good at pretending not to know despite being very aware of Adam's problem.

"Just something I need to tell you. I'm trying to figure out how."

"Wanna break up already ?"

Ronan's laugh made him feel better. It still conveyed the power of thunderstorms but Adam found some comfort in that sound. He couldn't be blamed for the drenching rain, although it was his choice not to run for a shelter. He can't be blamed for these marks either. Ronan's outrageous attempt at humor was rewarded with an amused smile, which Ronan learned to receive as an achievement.

He was curious to hear what Adam wanted to say that needed so much effort to be put into words. It did make him anxious, and he spent most of the evening thinking about it. Noah and Ronan did the dishes— there wasn't a defined rotating schedule, but Adam had been participating a lot and he needed to have some rest forced upon him. It was literally the worst time : he only used his free time to wallow in anxiousness. As they parted ways for the night, he caught Noah raising his thumbs at him in a supportive gesture and managed a nod to acknowledge it. Bless Noah. He's always so supportive of everyone.

In the end, he led Ronan to his room. Or was it Ronan who took him there ?

"Would you mind waiting— two minutes ?"

Ronan assured him that he didn't. Adam went to the bathroom and undressed in front of the mirror. The more he looked, the uglier his reflection got. Too skinny, too boring, too flawed. He had been thinking about it the whole day and he still didn't know how to break it on Ronan. _Hey, I've been victim of abuse but it's fine ! Actually it's not but I hate being pitied anyway. Haha, the more you know._

"Fuck you," he muttered, rubbing his arms.

That was to himself, to this distorted image of his body and ultimately to his parents who were responsible of both his physical state and the mess he had become. It was the beginning of a never ending cycle. He was almost seeing the disgust in Ronan's pursed lips, feeling his revulsion at the confession that Adam is partially disabled— it already falls under that category, even for an ear. A faint knock was enough to startle him. He felt nauseous and answered with a choked voice.

"Are you alright ?"

"Yeah."

The truth was so obvious that it felt less like a lie than a desperate attempt to spare whatever sense of pride he still owned. Ronan didn't push the door open, but he remained right behind it.

"Are you... anxious again ?"

"No."

Ronan noticed a hint of surprise in Adam's voice. As if he still didn't understand why Ronan was being careful— as if he continuously forgot that Ronan could try to spare one's feelings. Adam end up tearing his eyes away from the mirror and walked to the door, without bringing himself to open it. Ronan heard him moving around and the door opened on Adam's disheveled hair, wearing the bottom of pajamas and his sweater. Ronan extended his hand to help the mess of curls in a tender gesture but Adam stepped back.

"I'm deaf on one ear," he blurted out.

Ronan was still figuring out how to get to touch him. The confession did surprise him, but it's a fact he obviously can't help, so he refrained from doing something stupid. That made him sound too calm and collected to feel like himself.

"Which one ?"

Adam touched his left ear. Ronan still didn't know what is a proper reaction to that. He took a small step forward, feeling like he's bound to mess up.

"You do a great job at hiding it."

If Adam's sigh wasn't one of relief, it isn't one of disappointment either. Ronan knows those enough to tell.

"Come in, you'll see better with light."

Ronan walked in behind him. See what ? Adam wriggled off his sweatshirt and Ronan realized that he had never seen that much skin. The weather was chilly and Adam had nearly died, so he didn't question it. What Adam wanted him to see didn't strike his eye. At first, all he noticed were the path of his muscles under a thin layer of skin.

"You don't have to deal with it— I genuinely don't want to force it upon you."

Ronan was about to ask what nonsense Adam kept speaking when he saw. The unnatural way his skin shrunk around random areas of his shoulders, arms and chest. The different colors, the smooth, fading bruises. It was like Adam went through hell and back. For all Ronan knows, maybe he did. The tragic artwork of Adam's body is the results of months— years of work, even.

Then the pieces of the puzzle slowly came together. The anxiety, the hearing loss and finally, these marks scattered on his body. Ronan realized that he was running out of time to say something meaningful. That's not his domain, though. He looked up in Adam's eyes.

"Fuck," he breathed, still shocked. "You survived that and kept nagging about dying in a car crash ?"

Adam's shoulders dropped and so did Ronan's heart. It had obviously taken Adam a lot to tell him, less than a month after they met. Surely, this deserved more than a half-sarcastic remark. He caught Adam's hand then pulled him in a tight embrace and Adam let him, thank God. Ronan felt him laughing more than he heard him. Turns out that poor humor remains humor.

"Was the last straw," Adam muttered.

Ronan pressed a kiss in his hair. Adam could be in a wheelchair and he'd still fiercely deal with it. He's an all-or-nothing type of person and Adam fell in the _all_ category.

"Just do me a favor," Adam added. "Don't pity me."

"As long as you refrain from being pitiful," Ronan retorted.

Being witty came too easily to him, always at the worst moment. Adam seemed satisfied with the terms and conditions and agreed to the deal. Ronan knew that he'd be an asshole to leave Adam— his god damned boyfriend — alone for the night but he didn't take his own pajamas. So Adam walked with him to his room and insisted on not entering it, saying that he could wait for Ronan to be ready to share that part of him. And Ronan was more grateful than he'll ever say. He hurriedly changed, then they walled back to Adam's room and laid side by side in the great bed.

This night, Adam dreamt. He immediately realized that he was dreaming, though. He appeared in the forest he had been gazing at days ago. The birds were chirping, a small river ran on the stones and the sun shone. The heat was typical. He took off his shoes and stepped in the water to follow the current. The landscape didn't change much as he walked and he thought that it was pretty consistent for a dream. At some point, a bright orange spot caught his eye, hidden further in the forest. He walked barefoot on the grass, which is careless, even for a dream. He recognized Gansey's car while getting closer. A few steps later he noticed Ronan, kneeling to talk to a little girl.

"Hey."

She looked at him first, fear widening her eyes. He raised his hands as to surrender.

"I'm a friend," he told her.

She still ran away, followed by a strange clicking sound. Ronan shrugged and stood up. Adam noticed that for some reason, he was also wary of him. Maybe he didn't look like himself. Maybe he was someone else's nightmare tonight.

"Adam ?"

"Scars and dirt."

Ronan started questioning the reality of what he is seeing. Sure, that looked enough like Adam, but how did he get there, in his own dreamscape ? There's a chance that it's really him and there's a bigger chance that it's not. Ronan doesn't want to take the risk of taking him back in the last case.

"Think you'll be able to wake up ?"

Adam scrunched up his nose, not quite understanding the challenge. Ronan plucked a colored flower and placed it in Adam's hair. He longed to show him these wonders. 

"Sure," Adam said. "Why wouldn't I ?"

He thoughtfully looked around. This is a mystery in waiting. He feels like there's more truth than dream and he wished he'd remember that after waking up. Ronan shrugged, unable to answer his question. So, Adam asked about the little girl instead.

"Opal," Ronan said. "She'll come back around."

Adam nodded. He was growing tired, even here. Ronan told him that if he fell asleep here, he'd wake up at the same place. There's another way to waking up and Adam didn't quite understand but he did open his eyes in his room. He pulled the flower from his hair.

"Ronan ?"

Ronan opened his eyes but didn't move. He didn't before a long minute. Then, he rolled on his side to face Adam, devoured by curiousness.

"How did you manage ?" he asked, not making a secret of the reality of their encounter anymore. Adam's eyes widened and he suddenly sat up. His feet were dirty. He had left mud on the sheets.

"Fuck," he whispered.

Ronan propped himself on his elbows to check on the mess then laid flat again, very amused by Adam's misfortune.

"Why would you take your shoes off, anyway ?"

"I don't know," Adam repeated. "It was a dream. Dreams..."

His sentence trailed off. Ronan stretched his arms towards the ceiling, smiling from ear to ear.

"It was," he agreed.

"Are you a magician ?"

"No." Ronan laughed more. Adam lightly punched his arm. "God, no, I'm not. _You_ are."


	4. It's not a secret but the truth still isn't said, so let's talk about what happened and what should have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue has everyone doing outdated challenges while Adam and Ronan's relationship keep growing. It's not getting easier, oh no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ! Has it been a long time since I updated this one ? I don't know. Anyway, here you get the keys to a few riddles before I add up more mysteries ! I decided to keep the same level of confusing for now. Enjoy !
> 
> PS : you have a rhyme in the title of this chapter and I'm p r o u d.

Ronan and Adam changed the sheets. It made perfect sense, but the other inhabitants of the house were thinking of very inaccurate reasons behind this bit of cleaning.

"Are you sticking around today ?" Ronan asked, before leaving Adam alone in his room.

"Yeah."

"See you later, then."

Adam took a moment to reflect upon the night's events then remembered that Noah was waiting for this to be cleared up and headed to the bathroom.

Seeing the empty furniture made him think that he should bring some things on his own— not that he had many, anyway. A white container had joined the shower gel. Adam opened it. It reminded him of the forest and the drenching rain. Someone had enigmatically labelled it manibus. He knew Latin. It still didn't make sense.

He trusted everyone enough to try it, having some on his wrists so that the junction between his hands and his forearms wouldn't look too abrupt.

 

He put on a random shirt and some jeans before walking downstairs barefoot, smelling like citrus, with more than a hint of cedar. He didn't know who lent him the shower gel. No one else carried that scent.

He encountered the first signs of living in the kitchen, where Blue and Gansey were slowly piling dishes to be carried in the room where they eat. Adam felt like he was interrupting an intimate moment. He couldn't hear what they were saying but he wasn't trying to spy on them either.

Blue stood on her toes and Gansey kissed her cheek. That's when he noticed Adam. It was too late to step back. They exchanged a few last words upon noticing him then silence replaced their low voices. Gansey cleared his throat before greeting him.

"You're up early," Blue pointed out.

"I'm used to getting up early," Adam replied.

No matter what, one always feels like a stalker when stumbling upon a couple. He took the first available pretext to leave and went to set the table.

"Finally !"

Adam dropped the cutlery on the floor and held on the nearest chair not to follow. Noah had startled him. He winced and clutched to his chest. Noah meant no harm. No one means any harm here. He's safe.

"Noah..."

"I'm sorry."

Noah looked guilty. Adam knelt to help him pick everything up. Meanwhile, Gansey and Blue have exited the kitchen to check on the noise.

"Adam, are you alright ?"

"Yeah, I'm— just fine." He stood up. "Noah surprised me, that's all."

"Oh. Hi Noah !"

He waved back with a timid smile, all excitement gone. It was Adam's turn to feel guilty, although he couldn't help his trauma yet.

"Look— I'm not mad or anything," Adam said. "I simply wasn't expecting it."

"I'll be more careful," Noah promised.

"So, about what you saw earlier..."

Adam knew that he didn't owe Noah an explanation. But Noah did a lot for him to feel good in this household and it's a funny story and he feels comfortable sharing it with this specific person.

Plus, it brightened Noah's features.

"It's weird." Adam combed his hair backwards. "I mean, we didn't do anything. Some sort of astral dreaming happened ? I dreamt of walking barefoot in the forest and there was Ronan and when I woke up there was actually mud on my feet."

Understanding replaced curiosity in Noah's eyes. What did he understand, though ? Adam wanted to know why neither him nor Ronan were bothered.

"You just slept and that happened ?"

"Yeah. Was it real ?"

"You had to change your sheet," Noah pointed out.

"It was a dream. Then it wasn't. Why ?"

"You should be having that conversation with Ronan." Noah shook his head. "That's— one of his secrets. And you know what they say, silent as a grave."

Adam understood even less. Noah's touch of morbid humor was unsettling.

"He called me a magician."

"Is it that surprising ?"

Noah shrugged. Adam decided not to start counting the supernatural occurrences he had witnessed in his life. One popped in his mind without being invited : he should have died in that car crash.

It was physically impossible that anything had shielded him. His car was no match against Ronan's. Yet he left the hospital two days later with minor cuts and no stitches. At the time being, he had been too happy to question the fact that he was alive.

Point is, either he actually died, which makes Ronan a liar and this place some kind of limbo... or the truth is too complicated to be understood now.

When Noah returned with the plates, he found Adam staring at an invisible dot over his head.

"I'll set the table, alright ?"

Adam blinked. Everyone was downstairs but the person he badly needed to talk to.

"Where the hell is Ronan ?"

 

This question remained unanswered along with many others, until Ronan joined them for the cooking part. Adam pushed his pressing questions further in his mind not to ruin the good time.

"I feel like doing some challenges today," Blue said while pouring herself some tea.

They didn't do any when the said challenges were trending, so they had a lot of choice. Adam didn't understand why the ice bucket challenge was on their list— it's autumn and it's over anyway.

"Let them be," Ronan said. "The sixties keep calling for Sargent to return their trends but see what she's wearing today."

"The future keeps calling to say that you're dead and wasted your time on earth."

Adam wasn't worried by Blue and Ronan demonstrating their reciprocal affection anymore. Still, they can get quite imaginative. Gansey indulged him with a sympathetic smile.

"Thought it just said that I'm dead and wasted."

"I'm tagging you to do the ice bucket challenge," Blue said, pointing her fork at Ronan.

"You tag people after the challenge."

Blue stabbed her omelette.

"I tag people when I want to. Society is shaking."

Noah clapped his hands. Gansey's lips twitched, Adam laughed and Ronan rolled his eyes.

"Then I'm tagging Gansey to do it."

"I trusted you." Gansey shook his head, faking disappointment. "I'm tagging Adam."

"I'm being a collateral victim. It's fine," Adam sighed, pretending to accept his fate. "Forgive me, Noah, we're going down together."

Noah shrugged. Adam had never seen this expression on his face. It was halfway between a grin and a laugh. It made him look his age, which means older. It drained the juvenile glee from his features and was gone by the next second.

"Well then, that's set. Congratulations, Blue, you managed to get everyone."

"I'm not actually doing this," Ronan opposed. "That's dumb."

"You're not in front of the camera often," Blue opposed. "It'll be a nice change."

"No way."

 

There was something similarly boyish in Gansey and Ronan's cheerful demeanor as the former got soaking wet while the latter maneuvered the bucket. Gansey cheered, then tipped his head back to laugh. He is gorgeous, Adam realized. When Ronan and him briefly locked eyes, they understood that their train of thought went in the same direction.

Adam noticed Gansey moving half a second before he was on Ronan. The young men were jousting before anyone could intervene.

"Blue !" Gansey called.

It was a fascinating scene. Out of worry for each other's safety, they weren't using their full strength. But Ronan's muscles were tensed as he attempted to break free from Gansey's grip, and Gansey breathed faster, erratically, to sustain the required effort to keep Ronan this close to him. Noah tried to catch the moment's uniqueness on camera, without thinking of publishing it yet. He adjusted the framing and zoomed a bit without getting it right.

Blue answered Gansey's call and grabbed the bucket, which she ran to fill — the water supply was somewhere around Noah — then back to them, to have Ronan do his part of the challenge. At this point, Gansey let go of Ronan. While Noah fiddled with other settings to make it look as close as possible to what he was seeing, Ronan caught Blue and logically motioned Adam to do what he couldn't since he was busy holding her.

Noah sighed at the uncooperative machine and got ready for revenge. In the end, they were all soaking wet, cold and Ronan repeated that Blue got it wrong, but he was holding back a laugh. Adam laughed openly. His life was usually too complicated to offer him a genuine laugh and he couldn't afford passing up an occasion to let it out. He bumped the back of his hand against Ronan's in a discreet gesture. Ronan looked at him, agreeably surprised. He turned his hand to offer his palm. They briefly touched. Adam vowed to initiate physical contact more often.

 

_SARGENT'S TALES : the gang and I do outdated challenges_

Not much remained on the final footage. Blue kept the parts were each member of the gang including Adam had a bucket of freezing water emptied over their heads.

Cut.

The next bit had a less "professional" look since it was a bit of vlog. They had to go to the mall to buy the ingredients and the Pig failed to start a few times before Adam offered Gansey to have a look.

He couldn't fix it on the spot but he knew what the problem was and suggested that Gansey brings the car at the garage another day. Gansey agreed and that was set.

Ronan is going to drive them.

"Where is Noah ?" Adam asked upon noticing his disappearance.

"He stayed inside, probably."

Gansey's evasive answer was not satisfying so he went to check, exiting the recording area. He arrived just in time to hear Noah's wistful sigh.

"Are you alright ?"

Noah was gazing at the garden through a window in the kitchen. He turned around and tried to smile at Adam, which failed. Adam wanted to know what made him so miserable.

"Yeah. I thought you were going with them ?"

"I am. Is there anything I can get you from the mall ?"

"No, thank you though."

Adam nodded. The BMW's furious honk resonated across the hall. Adam caught both of Noah's hands.

"Are you really staying inside ?"

He felt Noah hesitating and wished that he changed his mind. Noah squeezed Adam's hands, silently thanking him for the peaceful calm overcoming his memories.

 

Back in the kitchen, Blue was congratulating Ronan for not getting kicked out of the mall while Gansey hid the cooking supplies he wanted to save from glue and whatever else will be used.

Adam took a discreet, deep breath before going to sit next to Ronan, behind the camera. He still felt awkward but that had to go if their relationship is meant to develop in a healthy way.

"What are you, twelve ?"

Ronan's voice could still be heard on the recording. Blue stopped working to answer.

"On a scale from one to ten !"

Adam noticed the music but had a hard time identifying is as something else than noise. The song ended. Ronan didn't start playing another one.

"Not your type ?"

He wasn't mocking Adam but there was amusement in his voice. The wording and his attitude confused Adam.

"It's— unusual."

Ronan's amusement seemed to grow.

"Nice way of putting it."

Then he started humming something entirely different. Adam didn't even notice at which point the joyful melody turned into words from a foreign language. He had always known Ronan's voice but he didn't know he could sing. And he had never gotten close to imagining that Ronan would sing for him. It lasted thirty seconds, roughly enough time for a verse and the bridge.

"You prefer that ?"

Adam is lovestruck but that doesn't make him blind to flirting attempts.

God.

"I do, actually."

It sounds silly, like everything else he could have said. But Ronan looks satisfied and Adam realizes that he handled the situation better than he thought he had.

"What kind of music do you listen to ?"

Adam glanced at the camera. Someone had to mind it and Ronan obviously doesn't plan on doing so. He adjusted the exposure. They were already toning their voices down not to interfere with the recording.

"Whatever is on the radio of the car that I'm repairing. Bits of indie, too."

"What was on the last car you repaired ?"

Assuming it had played music.

"Lollipop. The a capella one."

"It's an old one," Ronan pointed out.

Adam raised a brow.

"I loved the mood." He was quick to shrug off the nostalgia. "Your turn to name a work you loved. It doesn't have to be music."

"The old man and the sea. My father gave it to me when I was twelve, said it's interesting."

"Why ?"

"Because it's about a man's dream and how he is unable to make it come true. At the end, his hands are wounded because—"

Ronan abruptly stopped. Adam longed to know. Ronan started speaking again once he had figured out the end of his sentence.

"His hands are wounded because he had touched his dream, but he wasn't made to take it back with him." Ronan paused. "That's why he dreams, at the end. There's nothing else he can do."

"Wow. He explained that to you ?"

"I certainly didn't come up with that myself."

Ronan is smarter than he makes it sound. Adam wondered why he is being self-deprecative.

"I call dibs on the low self-esteem."

Meanwhile, gears were turning fast in his mind. He wondered — everything is impossible enough to happen now — if Ronan gifted him the hand cream. Noah would have been more explicit. He assumed Gansey would have said a word about it. Blue didn't know Latin.

"I called dibs on the self-destructive behavior, years ago. Sounds like a win to me."

"Sounds like a hard maybe."

He couldn't stop thinking to save his life. The implications behind such a seemingly mundane gift were too great to be ignored. He stopped focusing on the other three fooling around with slime. He missed Ronan's answer. He had to know that, at least.

" _Manibus._ Was it you ?"

Ronan nodded. Adam only had more pressing questions. Too many to shove them back down his throat.

"Not right now."

Ronan was pleading, Adam realized. He let Ronan know that he could wait but that the time of secrets was reaching to an end. Adam didn't know what he would be told. Part of him was still ready to hear about his own death. It was safe to say that it won't go away until he dies for real.

He looked around the kitchen, at the surprisingly clean counter, the orange tiles and Gansey trying not to get slime past half of his elbows while mixing it. He felt alive because he was curious. He wanted to know them. He wanted to be a part of whatever held this group together. He wanted to help Noah during his dark times, to gain Blue's trust, to be worthy of Gansey.

Adam touched Ronan's hand. He knew. Ronan noticed his newly acquired knowledge, by the thoughtful way Adam tested his unmarked skin. He didn't have to work. He didn't struggle because he can bring his dreams back with him.

Adam didn't ask if Ronan had planned to let him know this way. It sound offending. Ronan was forcing himself to stay out there while waiting for the moment Adam will shrug it off. It was unbelievable, too heavy to weigh on someone who has so much to deal with. Ronan had forgotten there was a greater world than his. Adam made him forget. Adam had him lay the truth at his feet, though he isn't good at hiding it either.

He lost himself in the sight of a thoughtful Adam Parrish while the inevitable conclusion dragged on. Adam is undeniably charming. He's also helplessly unaware of the magical aura surrounding him. It's not only surrounding him. It's rooted in his bones, making both a worst and a better person of him. Following the elegant lines of Adam's features was a temporary relief.

Ronan couldn't even understand what was happening past the camera. He didn't hold Adam's hands to let his own be examined. The wait was dreadful. It was worse because he didn't know what Adam thought of what he is seeing, of what he had been told. He couldn't stand it.

"Adam."

 

They left the kitchen for any quieter area where they won't be disturbed.

"The flower ?"

Ronan nodded. It had been a dream.

"How am I a magician ?"

"You came and left on your own."

"Is that all I can do ?"

"I do not know what you can do."

"But you know what I am."

Ronan took both of his hands. Adam looked at the differences. His skin was tanned and scarred.

"Yes," Ronan confessed. "I know."

"How ?"

"Adam, what kind of car did you have the accident in ?"

"It was multiple cars put back together. Honda and Toyota, I think."

"You saw what happened to it after we drove onto each other."

Adam doesn't quite remember, but he knows it had been crushed. He had heard every single gear falling out of place. The airbags had hit him hard, then were pierced by the metallic structure as it was forcefully bent. If his father hadn't deafened him beforehand, this would have.

"Yeah," he muttered.

"Are you sure you're ready for all I'm about to say ?"

"Ronan, god, I've been dying to know since you made clear that I was alive. I know I'm not supposed to be."

Ronan nodded. He squeezed Adam's hand a bit. Adam started tracing a circle with his thumb on the back of Ronan's hand.

"Tell me how I should have died."

Ronan sighed. Thinking of what could have been, the tragedy they had avoided, was painful.

"Firstly, you should have been trapped in the car. It was fucked. No way the door would have opened. Secondly," Ronan pursed his lips. "Your seatbelt didn't work. I don't know what magic was involved and how it worked at keeping you alive, but your seatbelt didn't work."

In fact, Adam doesn't remember being held back. The greatness of the fall he had avoided was suddenly cleared. The most important mechanism of his shitty car had failed to function during one of the only nights it was needed.

"That should have killed me."

He would have died seconds after the crash, surrounded by shattered glass and dubious mechanics. 

"Yeah."

Ronan had witnessed a miracle.

"The door opened on itself. I just— I did as fast as I could, before something fell on me or I passed out."

"It was impossible to fit a grown human in the space you left. They tried but it just didn't fit."

"Thanks for talking to me until the medics arrived."

"I was terrified that whatever held you back would snap. But you were fine the next day. No broken bones, no internal damages. Almost as good as new."

"I had minor cuts from the glass though."

Ronan nodded.

"Two cars collided. Two damn cars head to head, at full speed. I was done for. You saved my life, too, then you came for a day and half before disappearing for a whole week."

"Sorry," Adam said. "It was really overwhelming and I didn't know what was going on."

"I'm not blaming you. But I was terrified. I thought that you were gone for good."

"I think it's safe to say that I won't die because of this accident anymore."

"Hopefully. There's still something I'm curious about. If you don't mind telling me." Ronan started. "You look more like the down-to-earth type." He paused. Adam raised a brow, not denying the fact. "So what were you doing, or thinking of seconds before the accident ?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left many things out in this chapter but I feel like it's not a filler ? I'm writing fanfic, god, why would I do fillers.
> 
> There's no real cliffhanger at the end because it didn't fit to put one in. So, I'll make up for it by teasing what you'll be getting in the next chapter : a bit more of Kavinsky, Adam meeting either one or both of Ronan's brothers and something _very_ important that was left out because let's not forget that for now, less than ten people know about Ronan dating : _the public reaction._
> 
> Fans can be little shits; they are more often than not, you know it, I know it, are you scared now ? You should be. /insert devilish emoji


End file.
